30th Birthday

I think that it is high time that I get the 30Th birthday post done with and out of the way. Oh yeah, you say. You all forgot that I turned 30 almost a month ago. So here we go.

30.

30 years.

30 years old.

I am 30 years old.

Old.

It took me about a month of thinking about it to realize why it was I was so anxious to turn 30. I do not know if this is the whole reason, but this is a start. A start in 2 parts.

Part 1: Turning 30 meant growing up. Not necessarily getting old (getting old is just a way of me explaining how I feel, I know 30 is not old). Growing up and leaving immaturity behind. Growing up, becoming mature, and gaining responsibility.

GROWING UP: For almost 20 years of my life (as long as I can remember) the age of 30 was the age of grown-ups. You have the teens in high school, the twenty's are for fun and games, and college and the 30's are for getting jobs, becoming responsible, having families and settling down. I don't know what made me choose 30 as the age, but I did.

MATURITY: I was mature at 15. What I mean about being mature is that I will not going to movies at midnight, and I will not be going to IHOP at 2am because you I up and it is fun. It is paying the bills first and go shopping later. It is doing all of the things that "grown-ups" do. That's what I thought maturity was, acting like a "grown-up".

RESPONSIBILITY: Being responsible for myself. Having my car and paying for the service to it. Living in my home and paying for it. Going to work and spending the money in an appropriate manner. Having kids and taking care of them and giving them everything I had been given and more. Buying generic food and clothes (this one was really hard for me to accept) to save money. Responsibility was going to be the ticket in my 30's.

Part 2: I have realized that I am mourning my 20's. I know laugh. It is true.

BACK STORY: When I was 17 I said over and over that I did not want children. I did not want to get married. I did not want to settle down. Not until I was in my late 20's or 30. So what happened? I was pregnant at 19, married at 19, and had a baby at 19. Wow! My life went a radically different direction then I ever thought that it would. I had been responsible. I was mature. I held a full time job, went to school and seminary without a miss for my junior and senior years. When I graduated high school I worked full time plus. I saved my money. I helped my parents around the house, I did the grocery shopping. I cleaned and cooked and helped and went to church and my college classes without a fuss, groan or any trouble. I got A's in all of my classes. I knew what I wanted. I wanted to work hard during the day and play hard at night. I had lots of friends, guys mostly. I did live on West Point Military Academy. I never had a night without a date, or a group of friends going to the movies, dinner or dancing. I knew that for the next 5 years I would be right there, doing the same thing. Going to school, working and having the time of my life. WRONG!!

(Now, don't read this the wrong way. I LOVE my family. I LOVE my kids and my husband. I am just trying to explain the feelings of loss for my 20's.)

By the time I was married and we had moved to Virginia I was full in the family thing. Lewis went to school and I got a job at the college. We moved to Utah 3 years later and I had Jason. Then Haley and Abigail. My life was my kids. School, ballet, baseball (for a few seasons), and work for both Lewis and I. I never had time to stop and think about how or when my plans had changed. I knew when but I never thought about it. Until now.

In my 30's I was supposed to be having kids and playing mommy and doing the whole domestic goddess thing. I have already done all of that. So, now what do I do. I kinda feel lost. In one more year all of my kids will be in school and I will be able to do almost anything. When I expected the next 10 years of my life to be busy with babies and bottles, it will be...WHAT??

I gave up my 20's of carefree fun and games.

I gave it up.

I gave it up for something better.

I gave it up for these guys:

(Lewis did not want me to include him on here. Party Pooper!)

OK it is worth it to loose what I thought I wanted. I just feel that without those 10 years of fun I will always for the rest of my life be saying:

Whens My Vacation?

Time

Time heals all wounds.

I had an old friend email me this week and say just that. I just do not think that I agree with that statement. I think that time can make a wound feel smaller, less sharp, or mild but I do not find that they all are healed. Sure some will feel healed. But I think mostly with time we just shove everything down and hope to forget that it is there.

I had at least 2 problems with this:

1. What "wound" had I inflicted on them? I was not the one to cut the friendship short.
2. Heal? Like mend or fix? I am not fixed or mended. We have not talked in over 10 years. How is that fixed?
3. Time is so relative. I am (gulp) 30 years old. I feel like it has been an eternity since high school. When my time taken with family, work, and life, when do I have TIME to get over anything?

But maybe I am wrong. Maybe time is all we need to get over something. Maybe I am petty and hold grudges. Maybe the wound was superficial, just a scrape or a bruise. Maybe I am too busy and do not have the time.

Maybe... it just hasn't been enough time for it to heal properly.


Maybe it is past midnight and I should be in bed and not on the computer typing. Maybe I am so tired from being out until 2 am last night that I am being silly. Yeah, lets go with that one.

Maybe I need to start censoring my blog and typing in word first and then making sure I like what it says before I post it. Maybe not.

Maybe, I need a vacation...

Disappointed Caulk

Have you ever been so excited about something and then once it came down to it you were so disappointed? Yeah. Me too.

We rented this movie tonight that we were both excited about seeing and then after watching it I was like... What? What was that? It was nothing like I thought it would be. Nothing like the previews and reviews said it would be. I was so pumped up for this movie and I was so disappointed when it was over. Whatever. I never said that I have good taste in movies. It wasn't BAD per say but it wasn't what I expected it to be either.

Speaking of movies and unexpected things...

I was at work today and we were cleaning the kitchen out for the summer and someone said something about caulk. And I said speaking of caulking, I went to the movies last night. Now, I was going to say that at the theater in the bathroom there was no caulk around the sink and I thought that it was kinda dirty and not health safe, but before I could say anything one of the ladies was laughing hysterically. She knew that I had gone to see Sex and The City. And then I knew what she thought I was going to say and I got all flustered and then we were all laughing. Well, gross. You have a dirty mind my dear, very dirty.

Why does EVERYTHING have to be so difficult? Really people! Why can't people just go with the flow, enjoy life and chill? I just can't let myself be friends with uptight, drama causing, stuff worry worts!

YOU SUCK ALL OF THE AIR OUT OF THE ROOM!! I CAN'T BREATHE!!

(You get the line reddirtgirl?)

Please just let it go and give me a break!!!

I finished reading the Host!

I very much enjoyed this book. I had expectations for it to be good, and it lived up to the hype. I am very happy with the ending. For a while there I was nervous that she was going to take the story in a different direction and not end up in the great way that it did. There was a few things that I did not like, as with any book, but overall a great book to read by the pool this summer!

I am sorry for being so cryptic but I do not want to spoil the story for anyone who has not read it yet.

Home Parade and Headaches!

I know that this post is a long time coming. I promised the pictures would be up as soon as I got home. But, I was sick Sunday evening and all night Sunday night. So I am sorry this is coming 5 days late!


On Sunday Haley and I went with Allison and Marty on a home parade. We went to see all of the new houses that the cousins have moved into this past year. The only ones that we were not able to go to were Nick's because he lives in Idaho and Courtney's because she lives in West Valley and we were in southern Utah county.



It was very fun. We started at Heather's house, went to Jeannine's to eat dinner and to see Ashley's place. Jeannine and Ashley came along with Heather, Mitchell and Alex for the ride and we headed out to Tyler and Carla's house. We picked them up, along with baby Parker and headed to Ryan and Jessica's house. From there we went out to Skyler and Braden's refurbished pad. Jan and Thom along with Nick, Skyler and Braden joined us for the trip to Kira and Eric's new abode. Finally finished with the tour we ALL headed back to Jeannine's place for cupcakes, strawberry shortcake, and lime somethings.


Everything was going great until I stood up to go to the office to download the pictures of the trip and started to see stars in front of my eyes. I felt so sick I had to lay down in bed. My head was spinning and it was pounding. Finally I knew I had to go home before it got worse so I broke up the party before we could go toilet papering. Sorry guys! Next time for sure and I will bring the paper.

I had a great time and so did Haley. She wants to send a special shout out to Tyler, Ryan and Parker! Ryan, can she sit in the front with you next time? Love and Kisses!

Here are the pictures and please note how the group gets bigger and bigger!

"If I could make someone dead with my mind, it would be you."

I Love it!

Midnight Thoughts

It is past midnight. I just got home from the movie and I am not tired at all. It is the last day of school. Wow. Should I celebrate or cry? A little of both. With the end of the school year comes relief, sadness and fear. Relief from the daily grind of paperwork and dealing with unsatisfied parents. Sadness because I do love my job and all that it entails, especially the parents and their concerns and questions.And lastly fear. Fear of 2 things actually.

Fear #1. Did we do the right thing? Am I really superwoman who can be a GOOD mom to my kids and work 5 days a week? A: Which is yes, of course I am. But I need to remember that I can do anything that I put my mind to. I am stronger and smarter then I give myself credit for.

Fear #2. Will I be able to get everything done over the summer to not only have a good program but a GREAT one. One that makes money and flourishes for years to come? A: Yes, I have no choice. I always raise to the occasion and figure it out. Period.

Great pep talk Kendra...now go to bed!

Thursday 8:30 pm

I am beat. School this past week has just killed. I worked everyday this week and last. I have reports due, accounts to reconcile, and a big commercial kitchen to clean. I feel like I am working 12 hour days. Oh, I did work 12 hours today. I went to the school at 7 am to get the teachers some breakfast made. Adam and Jason were good sports and went with me too. I just finished working at about 7:30 and came home. I only stopped today for 30 minutes to take the kids home from school. Lucky for me this is the last week of school. I am tired, my feet hurt and I am hungry. (I know I talk about being ready for school to get out but anyone that knows me knows that I like to work and do not take a lot of time off. I just need a few days of not getting up before 7 am to make me feel better. And a few afternoons at the pool! I do have a book to read.)

But...

I am not too tired and hungry to go to the movies with my sister-in-law tonight to see the Vegas movie. I figure if I could not go to Vegas for my 30Th birthday then I will go and watch what Hollywood thinks people might laugh about happening there. It will be fun. I will post about it when I get home. Well, maybe if it is not too late!

Lewis asked Abi what "I Love You" means.

She said, "It means you want to kiss someone!"

How cute is that?