30th Birthday

I think that it is high time that I get the 30Th birthday post done with and out of the way. Oh yeah, you say. You all forgot that I turned 30 almost a month ago. So here we go.

30.

30 years.

30 years old.

I am 30 years old.

Old.

It took me about a month of thinking about it to realize why it was I was so anxious to turn 30. I do not know if this is the whole reason, but this is a start. A start in 2 parts.

Part 1: Turning 30 meant growing up. Not necessarily getting old (getting old is just a way of me explaining how I feel, I know 30 is not old). Growing up and leaving immaturity behind. Growing up, becoming mature, and gaining responsibility.

GROWING UP: For almost 20 years of my life (as long as I can remember) the age of 30 was the age of grown-ups. You have the teens in high school, the twenty's are for fun and games, and college and the 30's are for getting jobs, becoming responsible, having families and settling down. I don't know what made me choose 30 as the age, but I did.

MATURITY: I was mature at 15. What I mean about being mature is that I will not going to movies at midnight, and I will not be going to IHOP at 2am because you I up and it is fun. It is paying the bills first and go shopping later. It is doing all of the things that "grown-ups" do. That's what I thought maturity was, acting like a "grown-up".

RESPONSIBILITY: Being responsible for myself. Having my car and paying for the service to it. Living in my home and paying for it. Going to work and spending the money in an appropriate manner. Having kids and taking care of them and giving them everything I had been given and more. Buying generic food and clothes (this one was really hard for me to accept) to save money. Responsibility was going to be the ticket in my 30's.

Part 2: I have realized that I am mourning my 20's. I know laugh. It is true.

BACK STORY: When I was 17 I said over and over that I did not want children. I did not want to get married. I did not want to settle down. Not until I was in my late 20's or 30. So what happened? I was pregnant at 19, married at 19, and had a baby at 19. Wow! My life went a radically different direction then I ever thought that it would. I had been responsible. I was mature. I held a full time job, went to school and seminary without a miss for my junior and senior years. When I graduated high school I worked full time plus. I saved my money. I helped my parents around the house, I did the grocery shopping. I cleaned and cooked and helped and went to church and my college classes without a fuss, groan or any trouble. I got A's in all of my classes. I knew what I wanted. I wanted to work hard during the day and play hard at night. I had lots of friends, guys mostly. I did live on West Point Military Academy. I never had a night without a date, or a group of friends going to the movies, dinner or dancing. I knew that for the next 5 years I would be right there, doing the same thing. Going to school, working and having the time of my life. WRONG!!

(Now, don't read this the wrong way. I LOVE my family. I LOVE my kids and my husband. I am just trying to explain the feelings of loss for my 20's.)

By the time I was married and we had moved to Virginia I was full in the family thing. Lewis went to school and I got a job at the college. We moved to Utah 3 years later and I had Jason. Then Haley and Abigail. My life was my kids. School, ballet, baseball (for a few seasons), and work for both Lewis and I. I never had time to stop and think about how or when my plans had changed. I knew when but I never thought about it. Until now.

In my 30's I was supposed to be having kids and playing mommy and doing the whole domestic goddess thing. I have already done all of that. So, now what do I do. I kinda feel lost. In one more year all of my kids will be in school and I will be able to do almost anything. When I expected the next 10 years of my life to be busy with babies and bottles, it will be...WHAT??

I gave up my 20's of carefree fun and games.

I gave it up.

I gave it up for something better.

I gave it up for these guys:

(Lewis did not want me to include him on here. Party Pooper!)

OK it is worth it to loose what I thought I wanted. I just feel that without those 10 years of fun I will always for the rest of my life be saying:

Whens My Vacation?